


Negotiator On Site

by fan_fiction_inc



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Absurd, Comedy, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 00:33:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16294913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fan_fiction_inc/pseuds/fan_fiction_inc
Summary: Garfield's mission is to save a child hostage from a rogue android by any means necessary. Easy enough. Except literally everyone gives her a rough time about it.





	Negotiator On Site

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so in case y'all didn't know, my typical writing style is not suited to crackfics AT ALL, but I made an exception for @robosumo (Instagram) to celebrate her acquiring 800 followers because she's awesome. Never in my life did I think an editing process would involve me going back to put more nonsense into my work, yet here we are.
> 
> Dear readers, I hope that you can find an ironic way to enjoy this piece. If not, you have every right to be disappointed in me. Love you all! XD

When the elevator doors opened, the android slipped its calibration spinner into its pocket and straightened the drawstrings going through its white hooded sweatshirt. It marched into the apartment, black Converse sneakers sliding on the wet hardwood.

_ [ BATHTUB FLOODED? ] _

_ [ WATER BALLOON FIGHT?? ] _

_ [ TEARS OF DISAPPOINTMENT IN A SAD, PATHETIC LIFE??? ] _

_ [ NOPE JUST A BROKEN FISH TANK ] _

The android sighed. Then it heard voices.

_ “Negotiator on site! I repeat: negotiator on site!!” _

“Kevin, why are you so loud--”

_ “WHAT’S THE PROCEDURE??” _

“You  _ shut  _ the _ fuck up,  _ and you let it work.”

“...Oh.”

The negotiator didn’t pay those operatives much mind. There was a pretty fish on the floor, one with red and blue scales. The negotiator picked it up and stared at it.

_ [ ALL FISH LIVE IN WATER ] _

_ [ THIS FISH BELONGS IN THE WATER ] _

The negotiator returned the fish to what was left of the aquarium and watched it swim around for a few seconds.

**_[[ WARNING: SOFTWARE INSTABILITY ]]_ **

“Wh… what the fuck did that break, Amanda??”

A woman ran up to the negotiator, grabbing its sweatshirt and shaking it violently as she screamed at the top of her lungs: “Oh my God,  _ please,  _ Officer, you have to save my baby, I’m begging you--!!”

And then she opened her eyes.

“Who the hell are you?”

“G’day, miss. The name’s Garfield.”

The woman let go of the negotiator. “I’m sorry??”

“Apology accepted. CyberLife will bill you for the holes that you ripped in my clothes just now.”

A SWAT agent took the woman by the arm and started to drag her away from Garfield. “That’s enough, ma’am; you gotta get out of here.”

“Is this a joke? You-you’re sending a high school girl to face that thing??”

“ _ Robot  _ girl.” Garfield flipped her gorgeous curls over her shoulder. “I’m smarter, stronger, and faster than all of you; don’t forget it.”

The woman wagged her finger wildly in Garfield’s face. “Why aren’t you sending a real person!? One that actually cares about Emma’s safety??”

“Dude, I’m literally incapable of  _ not  _ caring--it’s kind of my mission--but go off, I guess.”

The SWAT agent dragged the woman out of the apartment. She kicked and screamed and even tried to bite through his uniform, but of course that didn’t work.

Garfield walked further into the apartment and scanned the environment. Her new mission: find Captain Allen.

“Fuck off, Jeffrey; I’m not going to your fucking baby shower! Why the hell are we even talking about this right now??”

_ [ FOUND HIM ] _

“Captain Allen?”

Garfield stood over his shoulder, sporting wide eyes and a big, toothy smile. He jumped and fell backward onto the table behind him.

“Fucking hell--who are you and how did you get in here?”

“My name is Garfield. I’m the Terminator sent by CyberLife. And it’s called the elevator.”

Captain Allen gave the android girl a blank stare.

“Speechless?” Garfield put a hand on his shoulder and nodded. “I know; I’m a whole meal.”

“Oh, get off me,” he snapped as he shook her off. “It’s on the edge of the roof, and it’s got the girl. What the hell are  _ you  _ gonna do about it?”

“Well, did you try its deactivation code?”

“No, Garfield, I sang it a fucking lullaby.”

“Why would you do  _ that, _ Captain?”

“I  _ didn’t. _ ”

“Oh.”

Garfield thought for a moment.

“Then what’s its name?”

“Who the fuck cares?”

“Has it done anything weird in the past few days?”

“Do I look like I live here?”

Garfield activated her puppy dog eyes. “Is it angry? Sad? Scared??”

“Kid, it’s a damn Ken doll; how would it feel any of that!?”

Garfield leaned in as close to the captain as possible and whispered, “I know things, Joseph. Do not test me.”

“Whoever made you like this needs to turn on their location real quick.” Captain Allen took three steps away from the negotiator and aggressively rubbed his forehead. “Just get outta my face and fix this, all right?”

“Affirmative!” Garfield ran off to investigate the scene.

In the living room, she found the body of the hostage’s father, which had five times more bullet holes in it than it really needed to.

_ [ TARGET IS ARMED AND CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS ] _

Not far from him, under a table, was a little tablet. Garfield picked it up and unlocked it.

_ “Your order for an AP700 android has been registered. CyberLife thanks you for your purchase.” _

“Right in front of him?” Garfield shook her head. “That’s disrespectful.”

**_[[ WARNING: SOFTWARE INSTABILITY ]]_ **

“Fuck off, Jarvis; I know what I said.”

**_[[  :(  ]]_ **

Garfield rolled her eyes and went into Emma’s room. The girl’s tablet was sitting on a desk, and the first thing to pop up when Garfield turned it on was a seconds-long video:

_ “Hey, hey, look over here!” _

_ The male PL600 turned around. “Yes, Emma?” _

_ The girl giggled, and then she panned the camera down as she shouted, “Damn, Daniel! Back at it again with the white Vans!” _

_ “The family van is blue! And why are you filming my shoes?” _

_ “Did you know that they’re the only things on this street that are whiter than you?” _

_ She panned back up to the android’s face, and it smiled and shook its head. “Touché.” _

Garfield’s jaw dropped. “You’re eleven; who taught you all that??”

_ [ EMMA QUOTES ANCIENT MEMES AT DANIEL ] _

_ [ DANIEL JUST LETS EMMA ROAST HIM ] _

_ [ WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP ] _

“And yet he’s about to kill her.” Garfield stood back up and made her way to the rooftop. “Does not compute, but ya girl ain’t got the time to make it compute.”

**_[[ ALERT: 57% SUCCESS RATE ]]_ **

“It’s above a fifty. I’m still passing, prick.”

**_[[ >:(  ]]_ **

As soon as Garfield stepped outside, her shoulder got clipped by a bullet, soaking her sweatshirt in thirium. “Why’d they have to make the damn thing white?” she hissed as she looked up again. Just as Captain Allen had promised, Daniel was standing on the other end, heels right up against the edge of the landing, holding his hostage in one arm and a pistol in the other hand. He aimed it at the negotiator, his sharp gaze filled with fury.

Garfield sighed.

_ [ TIME TO END THIS ] _

_ [ SO WE CAN ALL GO HOME AND SLEEP ] _

“Yo, Daniel!”

“How the fuck did you--”

“It’s ya boi, Garfield!”

_ “What!” _

The negotiator put her hands out in front of herself and took slow, careful steps forward as she spoke. “My dude, you gotta put the kid down, okay? You’ve already committed, like, four crimes today; I’m sure you don’t need another on your record.”

“What difference does it make, bitch? I’m dying either way!”

“But how can you die if you were never alive to begin with, huh?”

“Wha… But I…” Daniel remembered that he was supposed to be threatening, so he started waving the gun at Garfield like a madman. “Fuck you!”

“Please don’t!”

A helicopter flew over the roof, and the wind stirred by its propellers sent furniture flying. A shorter officer who was caught off guard got flung into the pool and struggled to get back out.

“See that, punk?” Garfield pointed up at the helicopter. “We got you surrounded. Surrender now, or we all shoot!”

“We??” Daniel almost squeaked, and then he cleared his throat. “You have a gun, too?”

Garfield stopped in her tracks. She pursed her lips and stared off to the side. “Noooo…”

“Drop it! Now!!”

“What am I, a dog!?”

**_[[ MAJOR MALFUNCTION: EXPOSING TRUMP CARDS TO THE TARGET ]]_ **

**_[[ ALERT: 28% SUCCESS RATE ]]_ **

Garfield reached behind herself and put her pistol on the ground. “Amanda, you’re not helping right now!”

“Who’s Amanda?”

“Literally no one, Daniel!”

**_[[ >:(  ]]_ **

A moment passed, and then a smirk spread across Garfield’s face.

_ [ NEW PLAN: FUCK IT ] _

**_[[  :0  ]]_ **

“Yo, wanna play a game?”

_ “No.” _

“Rock, Paper, Scissors--”

“I said--!”

“--best of three.” Garfield assumed a squatting stance and tried to ignore the software instability warnings that Amanda spammed her with. “If you beat me, I tell everyone to leave and you can… run away to Canada or whatever; I don’t care.”

Daniel hesitated. “And if I lose…”

“I push your bitch-ass off the roof. Or you can jump yourself; your choice.”

“No, I don’t wanna die.”

Garfield pounded her fist on her other open hand. “Then  _ fight _ me.”

“This isn’t fair!”

“Life ain’t fair!!”

Daniel heaved a huge sigh, and then he dropped his gun to free his hand, holding Emma closer to himself for assurance. She had gotten bored and fallen asleep; her head plopped down on Daniel’s shoulder, and he winced.

Garfield laughed. “Ready, loser?”

“You’re going to hell for this.”

“I’d need a soul for that. Sorry to disappoint.”

Garfield’s rock beat Daniel’s scissors, and then Daniel’s scissors beat Garfield’s paper. Daniel said a quick prayer to rA9 before the final round.

“Who?”

_ “Literally no one, Garfield!” _

**_[[  XD ]]_ **

_ [ REMINDER: REQUEST A NEW HANDLER AFTER THIS ] _

Daniel made the mistake of trying to fake-out Garfield--he played paper this time, hoping that she would play rock again, but Garfield saw that shit coming from a mile away and played scissors. “Snip-snip, bitch.” Garfield assumed the T-pose. “Now gimme the kid and jump, or I’ll do it for you.”

Garfield’s dominance was too powerful; Daniel had to obey. She cradled Emma in her arms and watched as Daniel crashed on top of a car that was parked along the side of the road.

“Ooh, rough day for the Lexus.”

**_[[ MISSION SUCCESSFUL ]]_ **


End file.
